Scare a Funeral up an Alley...

After Half Hair Cut

Well this is a fun expression and I beleive a true Malcolmism - I've never heard anyone else ever use it, let alone understand it. My Explanation is as follows - Malcolm often uses it to describe scary looking people, with the gist being that a funeral is a fairly scary thing in and of itself, so that if a Funeral was willing to cower down an alley from something, that thing must be quite horrific.

I'm almost positive that the intention of this expression was to describe how scary looking someone was by using the association with a Funeral / Death - but as I think about it more, I did get Three hours of Sleep last night, could it also be used to say that there are worse things than death, the one that comes to mind is not living your life - because at the end of it all I hope that you could look back at all the things that you've done, all the Places you've been and all the people that your life has touched and pass away with a smile on your face. A life well lived is it's own reward.

One more thought on Scary People - They are only scary looking if you don't get to know them, because after you know them, looks matter less and personality matters more. The ones that you really have to watch out for are the ones that look good but are scary on the inside, then it's really time to head up that alley...

On a completely unrelated topic - My wonderful Sister had a birthday yesterday - she sure makes me smile and she is living her life to the fullest - Happy B-Day Megs

Post Half Marathon (With Katie)

Dark as the Inside of a Horse...

I like this expression - very descriptive and timely as I've been as Stan Rogers would say on "Night Guard" as my dearest little girl is a Night Owl - In truth she just has her days and Nights a bit mixed up, but I've got alot of room for her and I've started to enjoy late night TV (Thinking about investing in a Sauna Belt) - I have managed to catch up on "Dead Like Me" and catch a few sweet episodes of the Simpsons - while perfecting my Indiana Jones Moves (That's how you have to put a sleeping Baby into her Crib so as to not disturb her) and avoid the booby traps.

Fatherhood is Fantastic - I'm tired all the time, I'm busy as hell and I can't keep a thought in my head - But I do have two fantastic ladies that I get to come home to nightly, so I'd say I'm ahead of the game.

but I digress - so how does one get a good look at the inside of a horse? use your imagination...

He said he was a Lion Tamer, Turned out to be a Lying Bastard...

Actual Lion Tamer

This is a funny play on words that Dad used to say every now and then - I thought of it after the Throne Speech - which brings another one of dad's expressions about a couple of different piles.

Anyways life @ Fort Awesome is well... awesome - Sophie is a source of daily amazement, and the sleep deprivation is also having a calming effect on my day to day demeanor. Crazy how much work taking care of one teeny tiny person can be. Sure makes you appreciate the work that your parents put into you.

Rugby is starting to get into full swing - the earliest that I can remember - which is good as we have between 4 and 6 warm up games scheduled before we head out to Edmonton to take on the best teams in the country. The training has been good - I'm loving Pilates

so that's it - it's the weekend and I've been a dad for two weeks - life is sweet - just watch out for those Lion Tamer's...

Give A Monkey a Typewriter...

Dad used to say this quite a bit, it concludes ...and sooner or later he'll spell a word - It tells about the trial and error method, which I'm firmly entrenched in these days. We've read lots of books and heard tons of advice on parenting - yet our little girl seems to be writing her own manual. So I'll keep on joyfully hammering away at that typewrite and see what I come up with.

You Can Sleep When You're Dead...

Dad often told me this as a motivation to get me out of bed - I like to nap and sleep - as do many of the people I know - except one special little lady who really hasn't picked up this trait from me yet - she sleeps, but she does it on her schedule - which changes all the time. When I think of this expression, it makes me think about making the most of the time we have - and the fact that you can always have more fun while you are awake - no one has ever said -"I may have missed a great time, but I had a really good nap" - We sleep to give our minds and bodies a rest - so that we can have more goodtimes.

I'm sure that I'll spend many sleepless nights with Sophie and you know that part that I'll remember the most - That I got to spend all those nights with Sophie...

If I Was Any Better There Would Be Two of Me...

This isn't a true Malcolmism, but it does show us where we come from - This one is straight out of the Miramichi - I'm sure two guys are starting a conversation like this somewhere in Taintville as I write "How's she goin'" - "If I was any better there would be two of me". the premise being that one person would, or couldn't fell this good - that's what I'm feeling at the moment - That and complete and utter exhaustion (I wonder if Cows feel udder exhaustion after they give birth) any ways my girls are home safe and sound and we are figuring each other's schedules out - Sophie eats every three hours 5-8-11-2-5-8-11-2-5 - so those overnight feedings are a challenge at the moment - were just getting used to them - but were hanging tough because we have a New Kid on the Block... ouch that was bad - but in my defense I haven't been sleeping, but we've already estabished that.

What a wonderful feeling having a little person in our lives -So far she has my ears and my one dimple - we also share a hairstyle (2005 Bed Head) - so I guess you could say from now on that there are two of me, just one of us is tiny and beautiful...

On The Day You Were Born...

On the day you were born,

There were two moons in the sky.

On the day you were born,

The world got a little brighter.

On the day you were born,

I met the woman that would consume my life.

On the day you were born,

We welcomed a new member to "Our Gang"

On the day you were born,

I got a 5th best friend.

On the day you were born,

I got a new favorite word.

On the day you were born,

We truly became a family.

On the day you were born,

If I was any better there'd be two of me.

On the day you were born,

I discovered that your Mother was the Toughest Person I know.

On the day you were born,

The Nurses and Doctor were at their best.

On the day you were born,

I caught a Glimpse of God.

On the day you were born,

You weighed 8lbs and 15 oz.

On the day you were born,

We named you Sophie Nicole MacAfee.

It was quite a day, the day you were born...

Flatter Than Piss on a Plate...

This is a Malcolm expression that deals with excitement - as illustrated by the lovely vision of bodily fluid on a eating surface - which is gross - but the expression is said like this to conjur the mental picture of flatness, maybe it is so flat because no one would want to touch it - anyways - it's about being less than enthused about something.

So the mood at the MacAfee house is a little flat these past few days, although we are super excited about the birth of our first child - we just want it to happen already - but all we can do is wait, and that's the hard part of all of this - waiting and the fact that there's nothing for us to do, because there is nothing we can do. So we wait...

The longest we'll have to wait is tomorrow at 7:30 - that's when they'll induce Nic - so hopefully we'll be parents sometime tomorrow.

In other News - Pilates is super hard, and awesome all at once - check out Pilates By Garda on Queen - they'll whip you into shape. The Esteem team is in full swing - I'm going on a tour of southwestern NB, which involves me doing 3 or more talks to kids a day for 5 days straight - that should be fun - I also found out that I'll get to visit Grand Manan, Campabello Is. and even Whitehead Is. (Home of Katie the Trainer - when she's not in Africa)- It will be great to get out there and try to relate some life lessons to those kids - there's a fantastic energy that kids bring to everything they do - that's the excitement that I'm looking forward to tapping in to.

I'll keep you all (the 3 People that read this)posted, and in the meantime put that plate in the dishwasher and find a toilet...

Didn't Know if his Ass was Punched, Bored, Chewed out by rats out Burnt out in the Miramichi Fire...

This is Malcolm's longest Expression - So St. Patrick's Day has come and gone and no baby- well there was a baby, it just wasn't the one we were waiting for - Congrats to Roy and Marion on the birth of their son Cameron Patrick Hickey, this expression is about being confused and not knowing what is going on, that's kinda where we are at this time - Nic says the Baby is taking after me, as I am often late - I think maybe she is just shy like all of us MacAfee's, or she's a Showboat and wants to keep all of us waiting, either way I hope it happens soon.

here's a little info on the Miramichi Fire of 1825-

On the seventh day of October the air was dry and an eerie stillness of the atmosphere made it hard for one to breathe. By mid-day the sun was blacked out by a dark veil and a faint smell of far off smoke was noticed. In the distance, rumbles were heard and assumed to be thunder and the approach of much needed rain. The blood red sun was erased from the sky by the dark veil, of now noticeable smoke. A tawny, thin line of light was visible on the horizon to the Northwest. Lumbermen said it was far off woods fires or maybe Northern Lights?

Maybe?

That evening the low horizon, as viewed from the south bank of the Miramichi River, the sky began to cast an orange glow. The temperature was over eighty degrees. To hot for October. A breeze picked up from the Northeast. As it did the far off rumble seemed louder and closer.

All at once the entire northern sky was upon the Valley with fire. Seventy miles of flame blazed skyward hundreds of feet. Hurricane winds whipped the fire and the River into a frenzy. Whole flaming trees blew through the air, crashing down upon sailing ships anchored down in the harbor.

Many inhabitants were overwhelmed by the fire, consumed while standing in awe. Many people believed that Judgement Day was upon them and within minutes the entire north bank was engulfed in the inferno.

Animals ran with people following, into the Rivers refuge. One account tells of a bear huddled in the water with cattle and people. Flames roared with deafening thunder, the intense heat melted human and animal flesh and boiled small ponds and streams.

Burning hot embers rained down as far away as Halifax. Smoke crawled through Newfoundland and sailors in the Gulf were unable to navigate with no sun in view for days. All the time hot embers rained down upon their vessels, scorching decks and smouldering rigging and sails.
Sailors also thought it was Judgement Day and prayed accordingly.

You Take the High Road...

The name Macfie derives from its older version MacDuffie which is itself derived from the Gaelic "MacDubhSithe" meaning 'Son of the Dark Fairy or Elf'. This stems from the tradition that the MacFie's had been in touch with the fairy folk that lived under the hills and in many countries the remnants of the original bearers of the name have been conferred with mystic powers. Tradition asserts that the Macfies/MacDuffies are descended from a Selkie or seal woman who cast off her fur to become a beautiful woman and marrying the first Macfie who hid her fur so that she could not return to the sea.

Now that is a good story - It is St. Patrick's day and usually I would be getting ready to go to the Rogue to sit in the corner and enjoy my heritage - but today is the due date of the newest Dark Faerie - and we are anxious and excited all at once. I am wearing the green and supporting the cause by cranking up the Irish music in my office - but I'm a bundle of nerves as I wait for THE CALL - Hopefully I'll be able to introduce our little one to the world later today.
St. Patrick's day has been a special day in my family for some time, my Grandfather passed away on St. Patrick's Day in 1992, my Grandmother passed away last year - I'll be heading down to see them later today.

May your glass be ever full.

May the roof over your head be always strong.

And may you be in heaven a half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

A Watched Pot Never Boils...

This is a Nancism - I remember thinking about this as a kid as I waited for toast to pop. Over time this expression has evolved in my mind from being about food to being about growing. For the past 40 weeks we've been expecting the arrival of our little budle of joy and this past week has felt like someone hit slow motion on the DVD player of our Lives.

The big day is tomorrow - I become a Dad, Nic becomes a Mom and we have to start teaching our little one how to live life - that's a daunting task - and an adventure that we've trained our whole life for.

One might think I was going to refer to me constantly watching Nic's belly - but that isn't it at all.

I don't think watched pot expression is about cooking at all, but I think it has alot more to do with letting people live their lives, learning from their mistakes and enjoying their triumphs - so that they can figuritively boil, which in reality is a change of states, from liquid to vapour, or in life from the present to the future - evolving to a higher state - has a nice ring to it - and all this time I was waiting for the water to boil so I could add the KD and have lunch.

anyways I'm off to Lunch at the Rogue with my dad - next time I write I'll be one as well...

oh yeah , Thanks for the lesson Mom.

The Time has Come the Walrus Said...

Dad used to say this to me nightly - usually when it was time to go to bed and it was usually followed by a reference to the Wooden Mountain, but as it turns out it's from Alice in Wonderland - or Through the Looking Glass - whichever version of the story you are more familiar with.

What got me thinking about this particular expression is the fact that we are all set to have a baby on Friday, and that we are getting tired (pun intended) of waiting , in fact I'd go so far as to say that Nic is Exhausted of waiting. So the time has come...

I am impatient by nature, maybe that's why I used to wake up Christmas morning at 4am, and why I still can't sleep before a big game - anyways as everybody tells me sleep is a precious commodity in the parenting world, but as Simon can tell you, he's an expert in this area, sleep cannot be banked, or saved up - so here's to one more sleepless night and the arrival of our first born...

'The time has come,' the Walrus said,
'To talk of many things:
Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing wax
--Of cabbages -- and kings --
And why the sea is boiling hot --
And whether pigs have wings.'

Big Girl's Blouse...

A great expression - probably not a true Malcolmism, but they say Posession is 9/10 of the law - So I guess it belongs to Malcolm. I was never sure if there was a comma after Big or not - but it didn't make a real difference the blouse would still have to be large or bigger.

I always liked this expression, it was often used to coax me into doing things that seemed like they would be too challenging. I think back and alot of the things that you are scared of as a child aren't actually scary - Girls, losing,Teenagers, the dark, heights, brocoli, liver, cleaning fish, roller coasters, French Homework, Hard Work, responsibility, Vegetables, monsters, Dracula, Nucular war, etc...

So I'm glad that I had my mom and dad to urge me along my way-

Mind you "FEAR" has it's place and it's purpose - If it's overcome or faced than it can open up the world to you, if you let it control you, it can cause hate and intolerance - which, as it turns out are truly Scary things.

If you need any more info on the subject I think that George Lucas made 6 little movies about this topic.

...Game Blouses...

Rooster Dink Pink...

One of Malcolm's more colourful expressions - pun intented - he uses this to describe things that are very pink - I haven't checked out any rooster's - so I'll just take Malcolm's word for it.

Speaking of pink - I didn't know there were that many pink clothes out there, we have them all now, as far as I can figure - we had three wonderful baby showers - and your young one is coming into the world with all the bling out there - so thank you to everyone - very generous and deeply appreciated.

I really like the fact that dad was so colurful in his use of language - he's also on occasion been accused of using colourful language, but that's not what I'm talking about here -it's his abilty to turn the everyday things, into an event, or a joke or whatever - it has in turn made my life a little more colourful than it might have been.

Awareness (http://mayfairplace.blogspot.com) a co -worker and I were discussing what it was to be a maritimer - and one colourful language is definately part of it, but the thing that she said that struck me was "authentic modesty" - never thought of it before but I think she's right on - we are quick to accept blame, but never to anxious to accept the credit, rather we credit those around us - that's why I love to live where I do. That and the weather, why not 10 minutes ago it was snowing and now there is blinding sun - as the guy at the movie store punned yesterday - hey it's the maritimes - sooner or later it's porn (poring) -

anyways - back to pink - I'm sure that this colour will play a big part in my life and that of my child at least between months 3-6 because that's almost all we've got, so boy or girl they'll be wearing that Rooster dink colour...

Dry as a Popcorn Fart...

We've had a dry winter - dry as in there hasn't been much snow, and dry as I am on Baby watch and wouldn't want to be in a drunken state where, if required I wouldn't be able to drive my wife to the hospital, were she to go into labour.

The expression is weird frankly - I didn't know that popcorn could fart?

In stark contrast, our neighbours the Newfies have been getting alot of snow - which could necessiate having a few Black Horse or Pony Club's as there's no way to get out of your house.

So we should be happy- St. Paddy's day is two weeks off and there's sun in the Sky.

No Brighter than a Big Hen...

This is one of the expressions that I find myself saying quite a bit - I'm Lactose Intolerant - which doesn't mean I Hate Milk - it means that my system has a problem breaking down the ensymes in milk products - I think (I'd have to check with Mom, she's the Biologist) - anyways this afternoon I ordered a clubhouse sandwich, hold the tomatoes (I am Tomato Intolerant), but add cheese - I thought nothing of it - so then again at supper (S&B Pork Chops and Baked Potatoes) I decide that I'm going to have a glass of milk - I look over and Nic is shaking her head at me - I thought to myself "No Brighter than a Big Hen" - Anyways I got thinking about it, why such a big chicken, and why is a big chicken smarter than a normal sized chicken - all good questions - I think the beauty in this expression lies in the way it rolls off your tongue - and the universal knowledge that chickens can't be all that intelligent, afterall they are food.

I got to thinking of this expression this afternoon - I was thinking about my uncle, who after a night out came home, sans keys and being respectful of the hour of his arrival decided to sneak his way into his room - his room as luck would have it was on the second floor, and the ladder that was in the back yard was a few feet shorter (about 7) and a few years older than he required, so as everyone knows, your IQ is at it's peak late at night, so he decided that he would bridge the distance required by using various backyard items - the plan was flawless, but as he got to the very top of the ladder (The Old Ladder) a rung gave way, which led to a chain reaction of breaking rungs and the ladder slipped off it's perch, going through the bathroom window - As the story goes he put a plan B into full effect and crawled in the basement window, and was found by my Grandfather, leaning on the stairs whistling.

I love this story - shows that I come from a long line of silly people, natural problem solvers that tend to see the possibilty in any situation and gladly accept the consequences- leaning on the stairs smiling, let's see a big hen do that...

Lucky as a Pig in Shit...

This is not a true Malcolmism - he uses it plenty, but I figure he's paying royalties to a pig farmer somewhere. It's weird to think that the pig is considered lucky - because when i Was "In Shit" that wasn't good - but I guess it's all relative - because the alternative could be something like as unlucky as a pig at a BBQ - where I would consider myself to be quite lucky, but I'd guess that the pig would be wondering why it's so hot and who stuffed this apple in his mouth. I guess the point is you're lucky to feel at home somewhere.

Dad Also has an expression that deals with luck, involving a doublely endowded canine - it's a bit gross - and I guess he'd be lucky because he gets to do what he likes, and then some.

Luck is a fickle mistress - but she's fair - "the harder you work the luckier you are" - dad also says this and it's true.

So from these expressions I can draw some sweet conclusions - you are a lucky person if you are working hard doing something you like to do in a place where you feel comfortable.

I always knew I was a little lucky...

Busy as a Hen Hauling Logs...

My dad is a busy guy - as you can tell : he has more than one expression for being busy - this is a very odd mental picture but I think it illustrates the amount of stress that the poor chicken would be under - Logs aren't light and Chicken aren't oxen - so there you go.

Busy is good - Canada and Cindy Klassen have been busy at the Olympics - 24 medals (5 for Klassen) - that's awesome - and good on the Swedes for winning Men's hockey - looks good for the Sens this year as well.

I'm on baby watch - waiting for those magic words "Time To Go" only 19 days left until the baby comes - I'm super excited. My work had a suprise baby shower for me last friday - I was very impressed with the generosity of all the people I work with - and the fact that they kept it a secret from me for over a month - I pride myself on knowing what's up at work and that one slipped right past - I'm glad it did, because I'm not suprised too often.

Tomorrow I give my first Esteem Team Talk - in front of a group of grade 8 kids in Stanley - I'm nervous about it - I think dad once told me that it's good to be nervous before you do something challenging, it means that you care about the outcome - I also could have picked that up from one of my team mates who actually gets physically ill before the really big games or an ABC After School Special, but I think it was dad. Anyways I'm nervous, but excited - Fake It Till You Make It - as a sports psychologist once said.

Hopefully tomorrow I make it...

Best Horse in The Glue Factory...

This is a good expression - obviously you'd rather be the best horse on the Track, say in the winner's circle, and not preparing to be the main ingrediant in Glue, but if you have to do something do it as well as you can?

I know that all across this great country people were glued to the TV this afternoon and I think that Hockey Canada learned a valuable lesson, watching the best Players that Canada could throw out on the ice get beaten by a good russian hockey team. which really sucks! Being a Canadian, I wanted our boys to win, to bring home the gold once more, just like the women , now there a team, they allowed 2 goals in 6 games - our guys, from the best country in the world, only scored 3 goals over 4 games - mind you the women had spent the last 8 months together, that is the big difference.

So I guess we'll have to be content with coming in second in medals at this olympics and start training a squad to win that men's hockey gold and bring it back to Canada in 2010.

Until then you can rest assured Canada will stick by you...

Like a Turd From a Tall Cow's Ass...

This is one of Dad's most favorite expressions, he said that he first heard it in relation to one guy on the Miramichi taking a punch in the face and then returning the favour by punching that guy back in the head, at which time he fell... and the rest is his story. This is one of those good mental picture Malcolmisms - you can picture a tall cow, who must have long legs, otherwise it would be a long cow, doing his duty (Pun intended) in a field somewhere and almost hear the noise that it makes as it hits the ground.

This expression is a hard one to use very often, because frankly how often do you hear that noise? That being said - the sidelines at a rugby park may be one of the best places to hang out if you would fancy using this expression - because at least once a game someone get hit and they hit the ground - I've actually heard that noise during the game.

Have a great Tuesday, stay away from those tall cows, or watch where you walk,

Yeah, that's right. Turd Ferguson. It's a funny name...